Barrelhouse RFC Player Profile

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Here are some short profiles of current players, they know who they are!

Andy Stanley:
What can be said about this man that has not been said before "A man of the moment" "a man of the people for the people" "the man". As a manager, some time hanger-on and general social butterfly, Andy is a living example of Prime Barrelhouse manhood, drinks the drink (especially if on the free side) educates our national colleagues in expletives (for forwards that's swearwords) and generally has a bloody fine time. Hobbies include rock climbing, pot holing, sky diving and ......sorry wrong person, hobbies include reading the paper, having a cup of tea and vomiting before the first scrum of every match....
Andy was recently married to the lovely Ellie aka Sally, in a secret wedding location, reserved for their exclusive photo deal with Okay magazine, however due to a legal dispute with arch rivals Hello, the pictures are now tied up in court (or Matt Kearns care we are not sure which).
Matt Sylvester:
Aussie Matt, a preverbal stalwart of Gulf residency, a man not known for doing things by half, was once court naked, walking down sheikh zayed road balancing a pint on his "chap", but then again he has always been known as a clever dick. Matt is you're typical, Basketball, squash and pool playing Rugby player, in a tight corner he's as likely to slam dunk you as snooker you behind the black. Ever the opportunist even when having a try scored against him Matt is able to break the try scores nose as he pretend to rise of the ground. Hobbies include holistic therapy, being vegetarian and UFO watching (bit of a twitcher)
The honourable Vets
Charlie Wright:
The Captain/ Skipper/ Head honcho and overall omnipotent being. Has always led from the front, except at the bar. Our divine leader for several years, proving that being sober is no obstacle in life, renowned for his good hair and rugged good looks. Rumour has it that he once held a rugby ball for less than 5 seconds but that has never been proven. Position on the field is unknown as he is a bit like the scarlet Pimpernel; however as a good leader he never ask's from his team anything he wouldn't do for himself, except.......Old Clubs include Sharjah, Dubai Exiles.
Andy Jackson:
The man, a character from a dickens novel by day and a masked crusader by night, often seen leaping the tall buildings of sharjah in one mighty bound. Andy has ensconced himself so well into the Dubai 7's life that his smooth transition from superhero to mild mannered drunken ex-chair is seamless and almost hypnotic. Too short to pursue his dream career of pantomime giant, Andy has proven that the heightism existing in modern society can be overcome. Rumour has it he is a direct descendant of Napoleon Bonaparte, which for those that saw him with his arm in a sling will have noted the similarities. Hobbies include Moaning about everybody....which takes up all his time. Old Clubs include sharjah. This man is Barrelhouse all hail the king.
Simon fowler:
The seagull, a preverbal man mountain often seen lining up with that other giant among men, XXC. Whilst often seen at this years sevens, during a game, lying back to catch the sun/rain, his reputation as a hair model has held him in good stead over the years. As one of the top Coiffures in the GCC (male hairdresser for the forwards) his ability to do a short back and sides in mere seconds means that value for money is always guaranteed. Hobbies include being VERY VERY tall...Standing next to Ex chair....And just looking fine to please the sally's on the side lines.
Dominic Eyes:
Having recently missed selection for the England game vs. South Africa, Dominic had resolved to dedicate his training to the Dubai 7's. A vigorous man of courage, Heineken and at time Guinness, he is a stout believer in all things liquid. Once during his try out with the S.A.S (surfers against Sewage) his skill at down downing a pint whilst upside down reading the condensed works of William Shakespeare backfired, when the man behind him lit a cigar as our man expelled his pent up gases (broke wind for the forwards out there). After that the slightly abashed singed and somewhat red faced Mr. Eyes returned to his first love, the Barrelhouse. Hobbies include breaking wind.....nuff said.
Peter Dickens:
The rock of Barrelhouse rugby, a utility forward, was once complimented on his ability to preempt a formation of a scrum/lineout with his physic ability and could be found on the pitch for a breakdown four or five set pieces away, (editors note..an amazing scene to witness). Able to float like a butterfly in line outs and sink like a stone in the scrum, having been made famous in the winter games of 2002 where the Gulf News pictured him in a forward scrum line up with the caption "who luvs ya baby". Often found on the golf course where his Rugby holds him in good stead. Fit as you like "Yarpie" as he is fondly known, often jogs to matches and push bikes home. A renounced partaker of port, often seen going over to the dark side with copious amounts of red wine and his obligatory Sheesa. He is currently employed as the local liaison officer for film and television for the UAE, his past hits produced and released into the market include Syriana, Dumb and dumber, you me and Dupree, however his dream of doing the remake of Debbie Does Dallas during Ramadan has been put on hold due commitments to the Barrelhouse cause. Hobbies include Anything "Sarth Ofrican" food, fine wine, sheesa, having in enviable collection of DVD's and of course Cars. Old Clubs include the Dubai Exiles, Dubai Dragons and I think even the Hurricanes a true Barrelhouse man.
Andrew Turton :
One of the many "faces" of gulf Rugby, with a proverbial stable of fillies/tales and sofas available to sleep on around the world, "wherever he leaves his hat is his home", he can also be considered as one of the worlds most enthusiastic rugby tourists ever. Often seen loitering near a bar, especially is there "lovely ladieshs" aplenty. A solid dependable drinker, well versed in the edicts of bar decorum and fluent in many beers. Hobbies include gardening, flower arranging and being the inspiration behind the film "you. Me and Dupree". A versatile player is pretty hopeless in most positions outside the bedroom, though as a young lad, he wasn't much better. Old clubs include Al Khobar, Saudi Select and Bahrain.
Stephen Berge :
Often found being airlifted from remote mountain ranges ‘cus he forgot to pack his clean pants, which were last seen completing the climb, a fun loving individual with an exhaustive knowledge of Kiwi rock and pop songs of all genre's. Normally found playing in the backs, has a pronounced "run forest run" gallop and just needs to be shown which direction to run in. Hobbies include being a kiwi, singing crowded house songs, eating shrimp "BBQ, fried, friquashied" old clubs include, Jeddah, Saudi select, Dubai Exiles.
David Clover :
A hard nosed, fast talking man of mystery once found wandering around the beaches of Brighton in a black tie suit, his only method of communication was to play the violin. Rumour has it that if he told you what he did he would have to kill you afterwards, how that made us all laugh (in a nervous manner). When not head butting the ref or decapitating the annoying back (regardless if there our player) his gentle nature takes over. An ardent lover of Rabbits and kittens, his lucky mascot goat "fluffy cuddle bums" was often seen at the recent 7's as David rode on its back to games so as to not get his feet wet. Hobbies include turning his watch into a super magnet, making his car turn invisible and being given the respect and admiration a man such as he deserves...Catch phase being "you ain't seen me right" as he taps his nose. Past clubs include ...(classified)
Toby Granwal:
Toby stepped up a gear in his aim to being the first Kiwi national to play for Iran, when he moved to Tehran (in Iran "for forwards"). He led the local (Iranian) national team to numerous trophies defeating England, Australia and New Zealand on the way, however since moving to England his loss of the ultimate Johan Lomu play station game, has resulted in a slump in form for the team and qualification into the 2007 RWC is now in doubt. Iran's loss of Toby as a manager, which is often lamented in the streets and playing fields of Iran, is the barrelhouses gain. A versatile back whom settled into Gulf Rugby, whilst driving a taxi "lovingly known as cedric" in Jeddah. A drinker of repute, notorious for his birthday/ stroke Rugby tours. Often seen supported at a bar by invisible wires, with is eyes closed, but a drink in his hand. Old Clubs include, Jeddah, Saudi Select, Dubai Exiles, AGRFU and Toby's mates on tour.
Andy Gibb:
Andy was lost to B.H for many a year, having been accidentally trapped in the bottle he cast into the North sea hoping to be found in a distant land, there in he hoped to be offered a rugby match anywhere, in his travels, which took him through numerous strange and often confusing lands, he was able to inspire a whole generation of tall tales known lovingly as "Gulliver's tales" and he is still revered as a giant amongst men. A hard, no nonsense, tackler of pints (addendum: Editors note: at his request to half pints...we are not sure if it's us or the wife he is trying to convince here), his approach to drinking is both respected and feared. Often seen playing in the backs, but is now married. Old Clubs include Dubai Exiles.
Eddie de Clerck:
Often confuses the opposition by asking the forwards to spell his surname, a man of guile cunning and ingenuity, if you need it he can get it, unless you have it then you don't need it....anyway Ed, the Dubai 7's was a tough one this year for him as the corporate seating was too soft, the beer cans too small, the food lacked the Jamie Oliver touch and the give a way's were un wrapped so couldn't be passed on as Christmas presents. Hobbies include being royalty, maintaining his international modeling career and ironing his playing shorts.
Pat Leroque:
If you're feeling down or oppressed, if you can find him, maybe you can hire the "P" team. A "baccie" chewing, gun totting, shoots from the hip type Rugby player, a firm friend and type you want on you team as he's always got you back at 110%. Hobbies include, chewing baccie, being a red neck, saying words such as "goddam it boy", in short a great guy. Barrelhouse man through and through and always good to see him.
Ron Panchuck:
Since his career as a body double for John Wayne was cut short, Ron has been able to supplement his income as the role of David Beckhams body guard, complimenting and enhancing his acting career. He once starred as a stunt man for Robbie Coltrane in the role of Cracker. A team man who puts his body on the line for the game. Dislikes ref's (who doesn't) and has been known to offer his opinion in a direct manner. Hobbies include not being a ref, running the john Wayne museum and joining Barrelhouse.
Bobby Woods:
His claim to fame being he was once characterized in a episode of the Simpsons where he and Homer drunk duff beer all night, not a bad reflection of the man mysteriously known as the ENIGMA, or to our antipodean friends the Ned Kelly of UAE rugby, as he is often found ferreting around the pack (bins) during a scrum pulling the rubbish ball out and making in to a class pass. A man whom was not so suited to pink at first but found that it not only increased his self respect but complimented his eyes perfectly, hobbies include collecting paint samples from ACE hardware stores around the world and having a complete set of bic razors form 1935 till 2006 (some still being used).
Paul Venn:
A close contender for the title of sick note (see Peter Brimson), his modern day approach to age related issues and injuries puts many a lesser man in shame. Able to make a game with his surging cuts through any defense, and scintillating spin passes out to the wing, often holds back for fear of making the rest of his team look moderate. He brings to the field a whole new language to ensure communication amongst our players is not understood by the opposition, this he invented during his childhood holiday job of being a dolphin trainer at Butlins. A playmaker, inventor of languages and ardent Barrelhouse man, what more could we ask for. Hobbies include model kite flying, stamp collecting, and doing puzzles.
Peter Brimson:
Those of us, whom spotted this local legend as he pranced onto the pitch, would have had a smile on our faces. Known for his incredible knee strength and glass like qualities, he has graced more hospitals than the combined cast of E.R. Once described as having the heart of a lion and the body of a gazelle, his grace or lack thereof and speed (lack of see earlier comment) mean that he is a true asset to any team not in contention for a win. Hobbies include studying medical books to invent new illnesses and sleeping. Ex clubs...easier to say who he hasn't played for, Kuwait.
Matt Kearns:
The preverbal man mountain of gulf Rugby, a renowned "Arrrteest" and linguistic specialist. Matt spent many of his earlier years in the peace corps living on a hippy commune in Saudi Arabia, this was a mistake by him when he responded to a advert in the Kiwi times thinking it was a job with the "piss corps" the New Zealand Brewing Company. When Matt moved from S.A to Dubai he was a svelte 90 Kilos, had long pony tailed hair wore open toed sandals and went by the street name of Hoss, luckily he met two (2) steadfast fellas in the form of Stanley and Brimson, they were able to recondition him to the man we all know today. Hobbies include off road driving, getting stuck, having the sheikh of UAQ son almost blow up his Porche Cayenne trying to pull him out and then driving through Sharjah in Ramadan at night with no lights and a boot full of beverages. Former clubs include Jeddah, Dubai Exiles, hurricanes the AGRFU.
Quinten Grayling:
A legend, Dubai's most wanted man with a veritable fan club of women, a pop idol, a model, a mans man, were it not for the fact he is in fact the coolest bloke you could ever want to know, he would be reviled by all us mere mortal men. Recently whilst competing in an Iron man competition in Rio De Janeiro, "crispy" as he known, was involved in a horrendous bad hair day accident, since then he has resorted to wearing a "phantom of the opera type mask" to cover his shame. However world leaders have recently met to offer a personal letter of support so that this global catastrophe can be avoided. Hobbies include Looking damn fine, all extreme sports and poetry. Previous clubs include "the we love Quinn" club "Hot chicks for hot blokes" club and the Exiles.
Jon "you ain't seen me right" the Fish:
An enigma, if ever there was one, the man with no surname, all those that knew this detail have since "disappeared" Jon was a character of repute, his cigar smoking port drinking skills on the rugby field were infamous. A lover of anything that was breathing (though not a hard and fast rule) he was a guaranteed party animal, his acclaim as the first IT guy in Dubai ensured his entry into the annals of Dubai history. Jon was born into a secret society that claimed to hold the key to humanity, this club boasted a continued unbroken heredity line dating back almost 10 years, resulting in him adopting many pseudonyms to avoid deteciton, the most famous of which was Dan Brown, wherein Jon detailed his lifes work, lesser known names he used included Sheikh Myhandy, O Ivor bin hidding and Lord Lucan. No record exists today of his hobbies needless to say most would be classed as "Haram"