Barrelhouse RFC Phuket 10's Tour 2001

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Tour Report!

Before amnesia sets in caused by alcohol-induced blackouts - I have had bestowed on me the honour of penning this tale - cant say that I am the right choice but then again X chair has promised me a free pint. So here goes.

The tour advance party consisting of myself, Andy Stanley and Fish decided that although Thailand was interesting we would need to stop off in Cambodia first and check it out - we had heard of Harry's legendary "happy herb" pizza in Phnom Penh and felt it would be a tragedy to humanity if we didn't try it. After been all atrocitied out (killing fields, S21 prison, land-mine victims, 30 000 skulls later) we made away back to Harry's to request - for good reason - more extra happy on our pizzas (in hind sight this was not a good move because the next 28hours - as Fish will attest - were a waste of very happy time for Andy and me).

Then onto Siem Reap on a very dodgy boat up the Mekong to check out the Angkor complex ruins - Believe it or not Andy and Fish were trying to understand the origin of civilization and religion - thankfully they are over it now. I then left Fish and Andy in Cambodia for an extra day (with a degree of trepidation - I was unsure if their trip in Apocalypse Now mode would lead me to see them ever again), anyway I had to meet up with advance party to Phuket which consisted of Malcolm, Bob, Woody and Julian.

We were booked into the Thara Patong Beach Resort which proved fairly agreeable and unlike Amsterdam we did not need climbing gear to ascent to our rooms. Also this hotel had bar fridges in the rooms - a vital accompaniment to any touring barrelhouse squad. A short trip down the main drag in Patong revealed a million Go-Go, Aussie and English bars, after holding Woody back from trying to thump his first proposition by a he/she/it we landed up at a pub owned by two London wide boys who could not be described as the sharpest tools in the shed. On to "Rock Hard" - a go-go bar and from this point the evening pales into an alcohol haze, all I can say is that we stumbled out of a late nightclub at 5:00 am.

Day two in Phuket and we finally caught up Malcolm and Bob who had settled in at Poo's Bar (actually "Sonic and Eric" but we re-christened the bar Poo's Bar because she was a real honey - and as they say in Thailand "No money No Honey") Poo and her mates who ran the joint were so hospitable that we agreed that Poo's Bar would be our central rally point. Our distinctive pink hats proved as homing markers to Fish and Andy who - against all odds - had made it - however they did manage to check into the wrong hotel and luckily - by sheer chance - chosen Patong Beach.

Due to a very high attrition rate experienced by potential Barrelhouse tourists just prior to the tour - we were a little short handed with players - with exactly 10 players consisting mainly of heavy and fairly slow forwards - we were - quite understandably - a little concerned. Our two hand-bag wielding backs - Shorty and Andy were beginning to dread the idea of forwards finding out exactly how nice it is to stand in the backs and get an even tan - not to mention the introduction of forward ball handling skills. However saved we were - Fish and Stanley decided that they may not be in any state to play a full tournament and this drove them to find replacements (and given a previous tack record of sleeping through the next day of play this was a rare glimpse of forward thinking on their behalf).

The team from Brunei were not able to field a full team and their players were seeking a squad, the four we took on board were Anthony, Bryson, Freddie and Chris, three of whom were British army officers training the Nepalese Gurka Battalion - fit, fast and very good were they. So we were able to enter in the competition fairly confident and content with our lot. Not for long!!!

The rest of team arrived on Friday - the playing shirts however did not. Unbeknownst to us the Dubai customs deemed 20 pink playing shirts as subversive material and held onto the container. Much uninformed swearing was done at Mike (sorry mate - with the benefit of full information I must say officially that it was not your fault) and a quick whip around revealed we had exactly 10 pink playing shirts of various vintage. Armed with the new arrivals - Shorty, Steve, Keith, Matt and Paul - we all went off to the official opening party where I saw Chris "dribbler" Paget for the first time - and duly lost him again for a couple of days - so I believe there may be a need to expand the role of Smee-Keeper. The party was hard to find and fairly dull - so we went back to Patong to catch more of the action. At this point Andy and Matt disappeared armed with a weeks worth of rizzla packs - a recurring theme with them. Saturday - the Pool component of the tournament.

Understanding my limitations I duly handed the responsibility of team captain to Woody, under my un-skilled direction we would have landed up in a plate final, but no - Woody in his infinite wisdom inspired the team to the best of their capabilities - the immediate result was for us to win our pool with no points scored against us putting us squarely in the cup competition. We also landed up as favorites to win the competition which alarmed me a little.

That night, very broken, bruised and battered most of the older past-sell-by-date members did not take the evening by the balls and were content to just sleep - our Gurka component and the Barrelhouse spectators held the Barrelhouse ethos high and proudly partied through the night. Andy and Matt disappeared again. Shorty's sister and her Sally mates joined us - we thought this was fairly handy as they were doctors of tropical diseases - always good to have around on tour.

Sunday - our first match - a quarter final against the "The Old Bill" (Hong Kong Police RFC) - we started taking the game seriously until they all ran onto the pitch dressed as Spiderman and still suitably hammered from the night before. Not surprisingly we won the game tallying the most points in one match for the tournament. Not very good at been coppers either - whilst playing their giant pink panther mascot was abducted and they spent the rest of day collecting ransom money to get it back. The semi-final against Singapore RFC was a hard fought affair that was drawn at close of play. Extra time was added in a sudden death format and Shorty ensured we still had one more game by scoring the decisive try (thanks a bloody lot mate).

So it came to be - in the finals against Hong Kong RFC. Hard fought but we lost it. No real excuses but in hindsight the reason we lost is that it was just one match too many. We had the ability to win had we been a bigger squad - but been fairly limited we all were just too broken, damaged, bruised and tired. That said, I think we really did ourselves proud by getting to the final - an testament to how competitive rugby is in the gulf and the quality of players to be found (not excluding our touring Gurkas who really lent an unbelievable talent and strength to the team).

The nights prize giving was a little tawdry and the only thing we received for our troubles was a down-down for Woody. Back to Patong and dressed in traditional dish-dash we quickly found out what our Arab brethren get up to when not facing Mecca - nearly every working girl greeted us with "Salaam Allah koum" followed by the all time classic "love you long time". The rest of the night saw Julian, Keith, Woody, Steve and myself kick into full stride at the Banana night club (we lost Fish, Matt and Andy) to be joined in the wee hours by our Gurka lads who at 4:00 am taking the piss at us older guys as they were due to fly into the jungle the next day and conduct live fire exercises (the British army have no idea as to depth of talent they have in their ranks - I remain in complete awe).

Monday saw most of us lick wounds, lie in the sun, get tai massages, buy gifts for the Sallies, understand the effects of Tai cuisine and drink the evening away at Molly Malones - a Irish Bar (there is always one). I also found Dribbler Paget who was last seen swinging from a pole without his shirt and lost Andy and Matt - again - funny that.

That's it, the usual suspects who ran out for barrelhouse were: Steve Allen - Prop Keith Byrne - Hooker John "Fish" Konrad - Hooker Julian Prichard - Prop Anthony Orchard - Utility Forward Peter "Japie" Dickens - Lock Matt Silvester - Lock William "Woody" Wood (captain) - Scrumhalf Bryson Gifford - Centre Chris Briggs - Centre Andrew Stanley - Centre Freddie Dennis - Wing John "Shorty" Short - Wing Paul Berger - Utility Back Supports were: Malcolm Lanyon Bob Smith Chris "Dribbler" Paget

For the buffs amongst us the statistic details are as follows:

Pool C Barrelhouse vs Seoul Survivors, Hong Kong Bulls, Pataya Panthers. Played 3, Won 3, Points for 58, Points against 0. Pool Winner on 6 points.

Cup Quarter Final Barrelhouse 45 The Old Bill 5

Cup Semi Final Barrelhouse 12 Singapore Bucks 7 Cup

Final Hong Kong 17 Barrelhouse 0

Now for that pint you owe me X Chair

Peter "Japie" Dickens